It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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