My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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