I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
