We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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