5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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