I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
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