Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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