could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
He told me they were just razor bumps!
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
