i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
