There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
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It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
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That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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