Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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