i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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