Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
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I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
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Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize