well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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