I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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