Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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