when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize
