Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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