she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
