I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
