You're earring is so big in my mouth
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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