I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
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just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
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SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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