well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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