I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
