I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
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