is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
