I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
