okay pat passed out under dana's car
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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