Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
