life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
kristin has been a bad kristin
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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