Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
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