So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
Who wears a wallet chain?!
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
