I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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