im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
