he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
His hands were made for my vagina.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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