If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
