did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Randomize
