don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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