Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
