I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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