Four minutes until I can fart!
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
