walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
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Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
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He's a Shit stain on my heart
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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