You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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