Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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