dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
