I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Randomize
