goodnight i made you a song goodbye
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
