You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
