the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
