Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Randomize
