How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
