I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
