Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
