why didn't you poke me back
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize