i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
im about as happy as oj after his trial
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
