An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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